posts: 54354
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| post_id | thread_id | thread_title | post_number | author_username | post_date | post_date_iso | post_body |
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| 54354 | 569 | Surf Cliches that need to die | 40 | icecreamheadache | Dec 4, 2013 | 2013-12-04T14:33:14-0500 | • Anything with Bob Marley on it. Anything. His legacy is getting creepier by the moment as his leach of a family does everything they can to extract that one last dollar out of his cancerous bones. • Sublime played at any volume. • The word "mysto" • The word combination "perfect wave" (unless you're shamelessly selling something to a non-surfing midwestern audience for personal gain in which case we'd all nod and go "yup, I'da done that shit too if I needed the cash and had a book/blog/article I needed to sell to the Cheboygan Times") • "Punt". Unless there is an -er after it because "punter" is still a good word. • The word "respect" as used in surf magazine or when uttered by twattish over-privileged kids acting tough after coming back from hawai'i or somewhere else with locals who don't actually show respect themselves... or by sensitive folks who use it as a way of rolling over and showing belly for thugs with bad '90s tribal tattoos (sorry hawai'i, a lot of your expat mokes are just dicks who listened to too much vanilla ice with a straight face back in '91). • People who surf really poorly with gopro mounts on the front of their boards. No, seriously, you will surf a lot better without the extra weight and distraction making you either pearl or miss every wave. • The word "hack" - unless you are a computer whiz. But I suspect computer whizzes have a new word for "hack" so you'll either sound like someone trying to sound computery or some jackass UCSB student getting all Spiccoli about that abrupt turn you tried to make just as the wave was closing out. • Dickheads like me who pick up every accent and every colloquialism they are presented with. ******* kids from Oregon have no business saying "bruh" or "güey" or "bloke" or "vale" or picking up horrible Irish brogues but yet we continue to do so at an alarming rate. I just met another one today at Silver Strand and as we tried to match each other's accents and lingoisms, shit got really metaphysically out of control, like in the same way it would of had Michael J Fox knocked up his mom in Back to the Future. From southern twangs to South African slang to pachuco inflected descriptors back to cockney jargon we stole from oi! albums, we were all over the place before we looked at each other, shrugged and went our separate ways in that lumpy windswell that was better than nothing but not by much. • "Glide" is kinda over-used too. Unless you're actually on a board that has glide in which case you've got to stand your ground when some dickfuck on a smurftech tries to use "glide" as a synonym for "over-floaty barge with no Elvis in it" or "i'm not very good at paddling so i need an 11' 4" thick board so i can paddle me and my floppy brimmed hat and go pro camera into solid 2' groundswell in front of the guy already on the wave" • "Chick" kinda isn't that cool of a word unless you're referring to that time last week when you got drunk and ordered 25 baby chickens off McMurray Hatchery's website. • "******" isn't that cool either unless you're ordering firewood from an elderly (say, 150 year old+) Englishman. • Similarly "***" is only cool when you're bumming a smoke off some haggard Londoner on holiday who's been calling you "luv" whenever you pass her in the hallway at the hostel. • The phrase "power surfing" because what the fuck does that really mean? Every single one of these lil' fuckers throwing air 360ºs can do carves deeper than Tom Curren ever could. "Power surfing" is the equivalent to me acting like skateboarding was better or more real or more "powerful" back in 1990 when I could do every trick anyone else but Rodney Mullen could do and then waking up and it's 1992 and I can't even fathom what the fuck that lil' asian kid did over the gap at the holy banks 'cuz his board was all flipping around his feet and shit. But I guess "power surfing" might just be a job creation device for surf writers who don't really have all that much to write about since the essentials of this sport really haven't changed much in the past 30 years. |